“Sometimes I think I want to be with someone, but it never lasts. It’s… like a flicker—a few days of intense pining for romance, and then it’s gone. Does that ever happen to you?”
So… the above is a small excerpt from Baker Thief. It’s also the closest thing I’ve written to my aromanticism. It’s still not exactly mine, but… closer, you know? I’ve never really talked at length about where I fit on the aromantic spectrum. For a while I used “grayro” as an ID in my bios and twitter conversations, but over the last few months I’ve reverted to using the very vague “arospec”, or straight up “aromantic”. It’s a lot simpler than trying to reexplain every single time. The reason for that is that I more or less fit under several different labels, but none of them really strike me as mine. So while I feel like I match them and am part of these groups, they’re not my labels, if that makes sense? Anyway. I still want to go over them and ramble about how I relate to each. Please note that me not claiming them doesn’t mean someone with very similar experiences shouldn’t, either. (Plus I did claim some at times SO).
Grayromanticism is generally defined as experiencing only rare romantic attractions, or as experiencing very transient romantic attraction. I have always related closely with grayromanticism because transient is a very core aspect of what little romantic attraction I experience. It’s hard to really pinpoint flickers, honestly, but sometimes it lasts a little longer—a few days—and then I confusedly wonder what’s happening and how I missed it before (I assumed it had been there but I had been in denial instead of concluding it was new).
Akioromanticism (lithromanticism) is generally defined as feeling romantic attraction towards others, unless and until it is reciprocated, at which point it fades. Essentially, it’s amazing while it’s in your head, and when the target of your affection gives it back, it slowly goes out. I tend to both recognize myself in akioromanticism, and think it’s not really me? There’s no concrete reason not to use the label, except that I don’t feel it, and that there are specific ways in which my attraction develops. I don’t really know what makes my romantic attraction vanish after a few days in a relationship (anywhere up to two weeks), but it does. So as a general rule, akioros’ experiences speak to me.
Demiromanticism is generally defined as experiencing romantic attraction only towards someone you already have a strong bond with. This is absolutely 100% my case. I have never had anything even vaguely romantic for people I hadn’t known for a while and shared some really great moments with. Except… most of what I’ve read and heard of people who ID as demiro has been about fairly stable romantic attraction. Which mine isn’t. At all. So kind of like I have the same prerequisites for romantic attraction as most demiros, but don’t share that much of the “after”, experience wise.
Those are the big three I feel close to, and I have claimed all three at different times. The short version is that I seem to only experience romantic attraction to people I already have a strong bond with, and it’s never lasting–whether it’s reciprocated or not. It was still there when I initiated relationships, though! That’s how I, an aromantic person, can have a romantic relationship. That’s how we defined it, and that’s still what it is, even with my attraction long gone.
It took a long time for me to figure these bits out. A lot of it was because I kept linking romance and sex, and attributing elements of my aromanticism to my asexuality. Essentially, everything that I could have read as a sign of aroness, I linked to asexuality. Then I perceived the rare and brief experience of romantic attraction as proof that I was absolutely, 100% not aromantic (I also had a lot of latent aromisia and I did not want to be aromantic; it felt like betraying my boyfriend). The truth is that in my case, aceness and aroness are very tightly tied together, and the ways asexuality adversely affected me where so much more obvious that it made it easier to blame everything on it. But through all that, I still didn’t understand how people fell in love, what the heck crushes (of all types) were supposed to be like, why I was so weird about everything… I spent two years ID’ing as asexual and avoiding the romantic question. I distinctly remember uttering the words “I think I’m some sort of aro too but I prefer not to think about it” to friends… several times. But in public, officially, I would self-describe as ace and leave romantic orientation unsaid.
By then I was adding aromantic side characters into my work, or rethinking the unstated aromanticism of others. And in February 2016, I started Baker Thief, which I wanted to be a bunch of tropes I loved and as much of myself as I desired, no restraints. And made the MC aromantic. YEP. Nothing suspicious there, nothing at all. But more on that tomorrow!
The point to all this… I’m not sure. It’s Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week. People constantly self-reject because they don’t fit enough in their mind. But the aromantic spectrum is complex, and lived experiences can be hard to describe or fit to a definition. But, look, I don’t fit either and I belong. So do you. If aromantic labels resonate with you without perfectly matching up the way you experience (or don’t experience) romantic attraction, you can still join us. You should!
Meanwhile, I will carry on with my muddled labels. Who knows, perhaps one day I’ll change my mind and claim one more officially for myself! Maybe writing Livia, in that quote at the start, will lead me to it. But really, I’m in no hurry. I sit at this spot where I have an umbrella ID but no specific label, and I am comfortable in myself—and in the end, isn’t that what matters?